Homestuck Secret Santa 2014
by ideashalfbaked
Summary: John, Davesprite, and Karkat get involved with post holiday shenanigans. This is my (incredibly late) Secret Santa gift for Helizabeta! This is not only the first time I've published a story, but also the first time I've tried to write as these characters, so I do apologize if the characterization is off. Rated T for language. Please enjoy!


You stand in a room cluttered up with garbage and holiday decorations strewn about. It is about a week after the HOLIDAY SEASON, and you and your friends are now, rather belatedly, cleaning up the the AFTERMATH of such SEASONAL FESTIVITIES. But wait! We don't even know who _you _are! What is your name?

**Enter Name**

Duh! You are JOHN EGBERT, the STRIKING YOUNG MAN in the center of the room. What shall you do?

**Wear wreath in a whimsical manner**

You're already doing that! And pulling off the look quite well, or so you like to think. You discreetly check yourself out in the nearest window to confirm your good looks.

…

Yep, you look just as festively funny as you did three minutes ago! And still just as NOT DONE as you were three minutes ago! With a heavy heart, you shed your festive neck wear, before glancing up at your best bro who is currently atop the last decoration you have to put away.

**Be best bro**

You can't do that! Their name has yet to be mentioned. This best bro could be just about anybody. It could even be you! But it is not, since you, John Egbert, are still you.

**Address best bro**

"Davesprite, you've gotta come down now!" A pair of nifty shades peer down at you from the Christmas tree, before he addresses you.

"Sorry, dude. I'm this tree's star. Can't take the tree down before all the decorations are taken off, and the star is the most important decoration of all."

"B-but", you sputter. "That's what I'm trying to do! You've got to come down so we can put the tree away, because we promised Jade we would, before we all went out for hot chocolate-"

"Right, but I'm the tree topper. An ornament. And those are, like, super fragile. I could fall apart if I so much as moved a finger. And do you want that to happen? To have your best bro break, sobbing out his whole damn life story? Nah way, man, that would be the worst."

While you do not want your best bro to break, you honestly think Davesprite is being as unhelpful as possible to prevent the hot chocolate meet up. Things are still a little weird between him and Jade, although you have no proof that that is the case, since every time you've asked him he's denied any such thing. And it could very well be true. Since the Game ended, Davesprite doesn't really seem to want to socialize with any of your friends, both old and new. Getting him to agree to help you take down the decorations had kind of been a small success, in and of itself. Gosh dang, you really just want to be able to hang with all your buds, including Davesprite! If only you could think up some quick scheme to get him down from there…

**Call for backup**

What a great idea! Geeze, why didn't you think of that before, instead of trying on various decorations? You grab your phone, and text the only person you know who both doesn't take no for an answer, and cares enough about others (though he would deny such an accusation) to help.

**Be backup!**

Woah woah woah. You can't be the backup, because, again, you don't know who the backup is! Sure, some hints were dropped, but we still haven't gotten to that part yet, and, in fact, might never get there if you continue to act all gun-hoe about it! So just sit down and entertain yourself with your surroundings.

**Be door**

Alright, fine, if you want to be like that. You are the front door, and are currently GETTING POUNDED THE FUCK IN. You have never had your wooden ass handed to you this badly in your life!

**Be John again**

You are John Egbert, and, judging by the angry knocks coming from your door, have a guest! Or, more likely, your backup has arrived! You move quickly to open the door, saving it from the further horrific beatings it was sure to have to bear. Standing before you is none other than KARKAT VANTAS, your best FRIENDLEADER and CURRENT BACKUP. Before you could so much as say hello, the troll barged in, sitting himself snugly by the nearest heater.

"I see it literally took you two fuck nuggets the whole day to clean _one _room," Karkat stated, glancing around the still kind of messy room.

"Yeah, but we're almost done!" You smile cheerfully down at him. "All we have to do is take down the tree!"

"And why haven't you done that yet?"

"What up," Davesprite called down, a smirk playfully dancing at the edge of his lips.

Karkat nodded a few times. "Right, I'm not even going to ask, since any explanation would clearly be too much for whatever sanity I have left."

"No explanation needed, then! We just need your help getting the star off of the tree and you can be on your merry way!"

"The...star?" Karkat glanced up again at Davesprite. "Ooh, FUCK ME. You are not SERIOUSLY telling me, RIGHT NOW, that this is the ONLY REASON WHY you haven't finished cleaning yet?" You merely shrug, grin plastered on your face, as Karkat glared at you. "I am not helping you haul his ass off of that tree like he's some sort of oversized grub."

"But Karkaaaaaaaat-"

"Don't you dare drag out my name like that at me like, Egbert! I refuse to get sucked into whatever chaos rules your lives."

You sigh overdramatically. "FIIIIIIIINE. You don't have to help me take the tree down. But since you're already here, do you think you could at the _very least _pick up the last of the trash? There's still wrapping paper from Christmas under the tree." You try to hold back a grin as Karkat merely rolls his eyes at you, before dragging himself to his feet.

"Might as well. You shitstains obviously can't finish without my guidance, and like hell I'm just going to sit around while you manage to screw everything up."

"Awesome! I'll go grab an extra garbage bag. You can start digging out whatever's left under the tree, Karkat. And Davesprite-" You yet again glance up at the orange feathery bundle atop the tree. "Supervise this hoodlum."

"I'm on it. Dude won't be making off with our Lucky Charms like a crazed leprechaun any time soon."

And with that settled, you walked off to, supposedly, grab an extra garbage bag.

**Be Karkat Vantas**

You are KARKAT VANTAS, RETIRED SELF-APPOINTED LEADER of the group that played SGRUB. And you are currently wasting your time by throwing wads of USED WRAPPING PAPER over your shoulder, in an attempt to help your BEST FRIENDLEADER, JOHN EGBERT in some idiotic fashion.

You seriously have no idea what you're doing here right now. And it wouldn't be so bad, not really, if it weren't for the FEATHERY ASSHOLE laying precariously on the tree, in turn, leaning above YOU. And even that wouldn't be so bad if he at least made some polite small talk, if such a thing were even _possible _for Striders to do. But _no, _he's just sitting up there silently, shades perched smugly on his face.

**Find hidden treasure**

That's stupid, as at this current moment in time, you are digging up trash from-oh. Holy shit. There is an unopen present here. You look it over cautiously. A cylinder shape with no name tag, and a shitty bow taped on what you presumed was the top of the thing. Huh. You give it a shake by your ear. It rattles faintly inside. What will you do?

**Open it, you big dummy!**

Again, pretty stupid idea. But like that's gonna stop you. Who's to say the thing's not to you anyways, right? You rip the paper off, unscrew the cap, and-

FUCk

WHAT ThE FUCK

THERE ARE COLORFUL SNAKES FLYING EVERYWHERE. THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING YOU GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE NOW

**Be Karkat Vantas**

You are already Karkat Vantas, and are currently FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT.

**Be Davesprite**

You are one Dave Strider, currently known as DAVESPRITE, after traveling from your own DOOMED TIMELINE to the current one, although that is a story of its own. You WERE lounging at the top of a Christmas tree, since you had the aspects to be the most ironic tree topper. One wing kind of counted as an angel, and you were totes one hell of a star. But none of that matters now since said tree is toppling over because the insane troll beneath it has gone berserk.

**Get the fuck out of there**

It's too late. You are now a shooting star, soon to be a fallen angel. You're-you're finding it really hard to think up things to say as you topple beneath both a large, unforgiving tree, and an equally unforgiving and TERRIFIED TROLL. You literally have nothing to say for once in your life.

**Be John Egbert**

You are John Egbert, and are thrilled to bits! You not only got your best bro out of the tree, but also raised your Prankster's Gambit. Who's to say you can't kill two birds with one stone?


End file.
